The loss of a parent in the first two years of life is profound. The child experiences a great loss, but cannot yet understand it. Grief in babies and toddlers is expressed mainly in their bodies and behavior, not in words. Therefore, this age group requires a special way of guidance.
How babies and toddlers grieve
Babies and toddlers grieve differently than adults. Their grief shows itself in protest behavior, as Bowlby (1980) described in attachment theory. An eight-month-old baby who loses her mother experiences this as a major break in her sense of security. The child especially misses sensory experiences: smell, voice, touch and the way the parent responded to signals.
Between 6 and 18 months, children learn that something persists even when it is not visible (object permanence). As a result, loss becomes more complicated. They search for the parent, without understanding why it is not coming back. This searching can last for months and manifest itself in looking at the door, yelling or becoming restless at times when the parent was normally there.
What helps in practice
1. Continuity and structure
Most importantly, daily care should remain as stable as possible. That means familiar caregivers, the same routines and recognizable sounds or smells. If the father always sang a song during changing, it helps to keep doing this. This recognition provides a foothold.
2. Transition Objects
A piece of the deceased parent’s clothing can provide support, as long as it is safe. The smell gradually fades, which helps in the farewell process. Some families turn a shirt of the parent into a hug.
3. Photos and videos
Starting at about 9 months, babies recognize faces in photos. A picture book can be viewed daily. Pay attention to the child’s reaction: some become calm, others restless. Videos with the parent’s voice can be comforting, but can also be too intense. Dose and watch carefully how the child responds.
4. Keep talking
Even if the child does not yet understand the words, it is good to keep talking about the parent: “Dad is dead, but we are thinking about him.” This lays a foundation for the child’s later grief story.
When extra help is needed
Regression is normal, like a toddler who wets his diaper again or a baby who sleeps worse. But when serious problems persist, such as not wanting to eat, extreme passivity or stopping developmental steps, professional help is needed. This is not about “making sick,” but providing support where needed.
A concern is also the grief of the parent left behind. Babies strongly sense how their caregiver is feeling emotionally. A parent who is depressed and cares only mechanically can unintentionally disrupt the attachment process. Therefore, support for the surviving parent is also care for the child.
Long-term
Children who lose a parent before their second birthday usually have no conscious memories. What remains are physical and emotional impressions: a sense of missing without words. It is important to keep the story of the deceased parent alive. Not in an ideal image, but as a reality: this parent existed, loved you and is no longer here.
The child must be given space to fully love the parent present, without feeling guilty. At the same time, the deceased parent deserves a lasting place in the family story.
Resources
Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss: Vol. 3. Loss: Sadness and depression. Basic Books.
Lieberman, A. F., Compton, N. C., Van Horn, P., & Ghosh Ippen, C. (2003). Losing a parent to death in the early years: Guidelines for the treatment of traumatic bereavement in infancy and early childhood. Zero to Three Press.
Oosterwegel, S., & Trozzi, M. (2020). Grieving infants and toddlers: The impact of early parental loss. Child and Adolescent, 41(3), 234-251.
Shonkoff, J. P., & Phillips, D. A. (Eds.). (2000). From neurons to neighborhoods: The science of early childhood development. National Academy Press.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.