8 minutes reading time | For professionals in education and healthcare
When a parent dies, a child’s world stands still. As a professional in education or care, you bear an important responsibility. You want to help, but how do you best approach this?
The scientific literature points to a crucial shift: from “grief processing” to “grief counseling. Grief counseling suggests a process to be completed. Grief, however, is continuous and non-terminal. Effective counseling recognizes this and puts the child’s unique story at the center.
Sanne’s story
Sanne is 10 years old. Her father died of cancer last month. Her teacher observes, “She never cries in class. She just participates in all the activities. Maybe she has processed it well.”
During an individual conversation, however, a different story unfolds:
“I’m glad Dad is no longer in pain. But I miss him terribly. Especially at night when he can’t read to me anymore. Then I feel so alone.”
Sanne’s actual experience differs significantly from the teacher’s initial interpretation. Listening authentically provides insight into her actual needs.
Three fundamental principles
1. The unique story: ‘to be blessed’
Each loss is “painfully unique” and takes on individual meaning. The core of effective counseling lies in giving the child space to tell his or her own story – what is called “letting the child speak.
By sharing the story, the child supports herself in making meaning: how can I make meaning of this event and cope with it?
Important: Acknowledge the uniqueness of each child’s personality formation. The child’s story may differ from your assumptions.
2. Empathic relationship without fulfillment
The quality of the pedagogical relationship is fundamental. A child must feel accepted and safe to share authentically.
The crucial thing is not to shape the child’s story from one’s own experiences or expectations. When you say “I understand that,” you are actually taking over the story. The child then often stops telling.
Practically, this means:
- Ask rather than summarize
- Say “tell me more about that” instead of “you must be sad”
- Let silences exist – children need time to find their words
The grieving process remains the child’s. You are the host or hostess of the conversation, not the director of the story.
3. Professional self-knowledge and boundaries
As a counselor, you are often a “grief-and-the professional” yourself – someone with your own grief experience. This brings with it specific concerns:
- Awareness of own experiences and possible projection
- Guarding professional boundaries: the grieving process is and remains the child’s
- Reflection on own filters and interpretations
Practical tools for caregivers
Specifically, in situations like Sanne’s, you can do the following as a counselor:
Create space for the conversation
- Find a quiet moment, without time pressure
- Sit at eye level
- Start open: “How are you doing now?”
During the conversation
- Repeat verbatim what you hear: “You miss daddy especially at night”
- Question by: “Tell me more about those evenings”
- Respect silences – children need time
- Avoid proposing solutions
After the interview
- Ask what the child needs: “What would help you most right now?”
- Make concrete agreements: “Shall we talk again next week?”
- Inform other stakeholders (with permission) about what is important to this child
Signs that require attention
- Sudden changes in behavior
- Withdrawal from social contacts
- Problems with concentration or sleeping
- Physical complaints without medical cause
No standardized approach
There is no roadmap for grief counseling. Grief is not a finalizable process with predictable stages. Each situation requires individual coordination and customization.
Your role is limited to creating a safe space in which the child can unfold their story. You are supportive guide, not director of the process.
ToThePoint
Effective grief counseling for parental bereavement requires a child-centered, narrative approach. This means: creating a safe context, listening authentically without filling in, and respecting the uniqueness of each grief story.
Because every story is unique. Every story deserves to be heard. And each story contributes to the child’s personal sense of meaning in their life after loss.
Need help?
As a professional, you cannot do everything alone. Sometimes a child needs more than what you can offer in your role. This is normal and okay. Refer to specialized help when:
- The child gets stuck in daily activities for a long time
- There is self-harming behavior
- The child remains anxious or depressed after several months
For families facing terminal illness or a recent funeral, BijDeHand offers counseling specifically for children – from the initial conversation about illness to post-death care.
Resources
This article is based on the following scientific literature:
- Tonnaer, F. & Hermans, C.A.M. (2019). Grief counseling: from processing to counseling. Pedagogical studies on narrative meaning-making and empathetic relationships.
- Hermans, C.A.M. (2020). The pedagogical relationship in grief counseling. On horizontal morality and sensitive counseling.
- Van der Kolk, B. & Tonnaer, F. (2018). The unique story: deconstructive approaches in youth aid. Journal of Orthopedagogy.
For further exploration, training or consultation contact kc-tothepoint.
Tags: grief counseling, parent mortality, children in grief, pedagogical relationship, narrative approach