The science of loss -Herman de Mönnink

A book I loved to quote from as a senior lecturer in Loss Studies is Loss Studies by Herman de Mönnink. I want to share a small portion with you.

De Mönnink writes that life is always about the balance between load and loadability. There is a balance when the burden (the impact of the loss) is not greater than the taxability (the coping and support). As soon as the impact is greater or the coping and support become weaker, an imbalance occurs and a person needs help to restore that balance.

Loss impact

Every loss has an impact. Exactly what that is and how great the impact is depends on the relationship you have with the deceased. What does the death mean to you? What are the practical consequences of this loss?

When you lose someone, a number of things happen:

• Actual loss: the deceased is gone
• Personal meaning: losing your mate, financial worries, losing a familiar environment; these are all examples of things that loss can bring.
• Identity loss: You lose not only the person, but also a piece of yourself.

KERN

De Mönnink argues that by losing, your entire CORE is affected.

Control: your life had a certain content and structure that changes. You become dependent(more) on others as a result.

Self-esteem: A profound loss often has a negative effect on your self-esteem, self-image and self-worth.

Sense of justice: Your perception of equality and justice is affected.

Now-in-relationship-till-later: Your future prospects are changing.

Loss scoping

Coping styles (skills to deal with adversity), affect the impact of loss.

• How do you deal with emotions at all?
• Do you have physical complaints (insomnia, fretting, loss of concentration, etc)
• Can you accept the new situation?
• Are you able to build a “life without”?

The answers to the above questions are indicators by which loss scoping can be depicted.

Loss Support

Support from those around you helps shape the grieving process. At the same time, support can put a lot of emphasis on the loss, which can be counterproductive. But, on the other hand, groups of peers (just to give an example of support) can be very helpful, because they understand “exactly” what you mean, without you having to give endless explanations.

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